Los Angeles, CA, USA

©2017 BY JULIAN MICHAEL. PROUDLY CREATED WITH WIX.COM

I'M HERE. YOU'RE QUEER. GET USED TO IT?

June 20, 2017

Dear Token,

 

I am a straight, cisgender woman who has a lot of gay friends. We go to the clubs together, go to Pride together, and are generally together at most times. In short, I would probably be described as a fag hag. However, I am well aware that the idea of a "hag" is one that is not embraced as much with older gay men and can actually be frowned upon. Particularly within gay bars. Token, how can I be an ally for my friends in the community and not be considered a nuisance by others?

 

- #DontWantToBeObnoxious
 


DEAR OBNOXIOUS: What a great and timely question.  Thanks for asking! Let's start with the last part of your question first....
 
Who cares if some people consider you a nuisance? In fact, if you aren't annoying people you aren't living right. No matter what you do or where you go, something about it will always bother somebody. Don't let your Pride parade get rained on by some shady queen. Do your own thing, boo. So, if you're old enough to get into the club, then you're old enough to go have fun with your friends and give zero f-bombs about everybody else.
 
Now let's talk about the question underneath the question  -- why do you feel compelled to spend so much of your time with the gays?
 
 This is loaded I realize so let me say this up front:  This is America.  Every person has the right to associate with whomever they choose and you should be free to go where you want and enjoy life.  But I'm always curious when someone comes to associate themselves almost exclusively with an a completely different identity group from their own.  The fact that you're "generally together at most times" with your gay friends says something about your comfort level with them and, likewise,  your discomfort with other cisgender women or heterosexual men or both.  That's a different topic altogether, so I won't go too far down that rabbit hole.
 
So what is a fag hag to do? You don't want to disrespect anybody's space but you also don't want to go to a straight club because it's full of douchebags who will treat you like property. (Straight guys, you're douchebags sometimes).  You're in a tough spot, ladies.  And on behalf of the gays, we sympathize with you.  
 

 

 
 #DontWantToBeObnoxious, here's why your fag haggotry gets frowns:
 

  • You're one of those straight girls who expects to be the center of attention at the gay bar.  Newsflash sister, you're a guest.  Don't put your feet on other people's couch and don't go to the Abbey thinking you run the place. If you do, you deserve all the frowns.
     

  •  You're one of those straight girls who talks like a drag queen. Before you think about "yass"ing too hard, just say no.  Your poor imitation of a man ironically poor imitation of you is not a meta or endearing as you think.  You want to be an ally and not a caricature? Tone it down, sis, and be yourself. 
     

  • You're one of those straight girls that is (not so) secretly in love with your gay bestie and you're biding your time until his dick falls magically into your mouth. Yes I'll dance with you. Yes I'll touch your butt while I do. No, I will not have sex with you. Please save us  some time and find a man that actually wants you.  And then send us pictures of his dick. 
     

  • You're one of those straight girls that actually cannot go out without a posse of homosexuals.  Purses are accessories. Watches are accessories. Chihuahuas are accessories.  Fag hags - your gays are not your accessories.  
     

  • You're one of those straight girls whose very identity is tied up into being the best friend of the gays.  the line between friend and patronizer is really thin. Don't cross it. 

​Look, if you want to be an ally, by all means be a real ally.  We need all the true support we can get.  But true support means more than spending money on overpriced vodka cranberries and wearing a rainbow thong down Santa Monica Blvd.  If you care about your gay friends so much, then get in the trenches, vote, fight the fact that gay men still can't give blood, find a reason to be a nuisance to the status quo.  
 
Then if some salty queen looks at you funny because you're in the drink line in front of him at the club, give him the side eye and say "girl bye."
 
Julian Michael aka "Token" is a former guidance counselor turned comedian, writer, and radio host. Take what he says with a grain of salt, because your food is probably bland anyway. Got a question? Need advice? Write to #DearToken here!

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