I've been wrestling with "looking the part" lately.
I feel like I've got the right stuff but don't quite fit the image of what "right" actually is.
Pro wrestling is filled with examples of people like this. The entire industry feeds it. Think about it: when your business is staging fake fights, it's important the fighters look like they can kick some ass.
This is the justification that has kept some of the most talented and innovative performers from realizing their in-ring dreams (or caused it...
It's not that I don't feel special enough. To the contrary, I can't figure out why someone so special like me hasn't had certain opportunities just handed to him. (Yes I know how ridiculous that sounds; but I also know many of you can relate to feeling this way and this blog is about being honest, so let's talk about it).
I have embraced the moniker "Token" for a very long time. If you're unfamiliar with why I call myself that, allow me to show instead of...
I've been wrestling a lot with my choices lately. That's a really polite way of saying that I've been fucking up.
My priorities have been very different from what I've been telling people that they are. It's the reason I've been feeling unsettled. When the walk doesn't match the talk, it's time to shut up and get your steps in order.
So often we know in our hearts what's right for us, what will actually push us forward; but that push isn't always comfortable. Who am I kidding? It's never comforta...
(Before we go any further, that's not a jerking off reference. This isn't that kind of blog, though it could be...). I'm grappling with who I am and who I actually want to be.
Why do I pursue the things I do -- the nearly unattainable goals, the quests for meaning, the self-destructive vices, the numbing distractions -- and what do they say about me? And how can I be the me that I say I am in when I'm psyching myself up in the shower?